Another year came and left swiftly; I celebrated another birthday. This year's birthday was low key and hangover free as my humble celebration consisted of a relaxing lunch date with my mother and dinner at my favorite sushi restaurant with family.
I realized this may be the year when I stop counting publicly, no more "happy xx-th birthday!" from family and friends. I prefer it this way as the number of my age is slowly becoming cumbersome, a source of unwarranted regret and trepidation about remaining years.
Instead of planning a lavish birthday party with friends and buying myself a new birthday outfit, this year consisted of a consultation-gone-wrong (maybe I will share one day) and a series of desperate questions aimed toward God, the Universe and self.
I have so much to be thankful for- a supportive husband, two beautifully imperfect children and loving parents and siblings who appear proud of how I turned out at this age. I too, am proud of my achievements as a mother and wife and hold myself a little tighter for all the trials I've managed to overcome.
As always though, I remain hungry and thirsty. I'm blessed yet unfulfilled; I'm thankful yet still not whole. I've been searching for answers and realize God still wants me to wait. He wants to teach me patience, a virtue I lack since birth.
This birthday I agreed I'll wait a little longer. I told Him I'm sorry I'm so impatient and temperamental. I told Him I love him regardless and thanked Him for loving me regardless of my greatest flaw- my perfectionist ideals that drive everyone, including myself crazy at times.
And finally I asked that the fruit of my labor is great enough to satisfy my internal yearnings. If the fruit turns out to be trivial and mediocre (by my standards, not the world's) I would have a series of lifelong disappointments to face. I would endure it of course, but I want to remain womanly and graceful in my later years and not become that bitter-faced middle aged woman I come across so often at churches and school functions nowadays.
Happy birthday Angela, you've come a long way. I'm proud of you and love you... now go back to your roots and start doing what you do best. Now, go.
DOING is the hardest part, especially considering my inactive & contemplative personality where spending time and energy on preformed ideals feel like a cardinal sin.
God gave me a gift, and the opposite side of that leaf is the monstrous gape of my greatest fear.